Marie Antoinette to the Macarena

Personally, I think that Marie Antoinette would be fundamentally opposed to the Macarena, based on the fact that it's the second most unsexy dance ever created (the first of course being so-called "hand jive." "Hand jive" is actually so impossibly unsexy it makes prospective romantic partners' genitals cringe.) But that is neither here nor there.

Marie Antoinette, when she wasn't busy being squeezed into or bursting out of various dresses, pretending she knew shit about gardening or generally queening, somehow found time to offend peasants. To be fair, most things about Marie Antoinette must have been sort of offensive to peasants without her making any real effort. It seems like it would be kind of annoying, when you're in the position of farm or die, if someone wearing more pearls then they have braincells and a wig the size of a third-world nation announced that they had taken up farming for fun. If they then proceeded to tell you that this helped them understand you as an individual and gave them qualification to be your queen, you'd probably want to punch them vigorously in the ovaries until you could hear the cries of their unborn children. If they then told you they were going to get back to their farming, then hopped on their cartoonishly fat white horse, ready to prance off through a field of verdant flowers to the next orgy of champagne and titties (I like to imagine that pre-revolutionary, aristocratic France was entirely composed of champagne, titties and gold. Also sometimes cherubs. Everyone owned a fat, white horse, and everyone had more chocolate than could ever possibly be consumed by a single human being. Don't crush my dreams by telling me that this is historically inaccurate) you'd probably kill them. Marie supposedly really inspired the urge to kill when she dropped the "Let them eat cake" bomb on the populous. Things did not go well for her after that. To be fair, her husband Louis was a bit more of the problem than she was... But the cake comment ties Marie in with birthdays, a popular location for cake. At every single birthday I ever went to during elementary school, they played the damned Macarenea. And every time they played it, we were all compelled to dance to it. And every time I danced to it, I felt a tiny piece of my post-pueberty sex appeal slipping away. And by "slipping away" I mean "fleeing screaming."

I hate the Macarena.

Anyway, apparently people at court called Marie Antoinette "ostrich bitch", which is perhaps the best insult I've discovered all week.

Pad Thai to Poltergeists.