So once upon a time I decided that I was gonna up and move to London for a semester. Having now arrived and settled myself in my flat, I can commence writing again. Only... the move has left my mind a bit jangled. See, I spent the last hour and a half on Google seeing what it would fill in if I typed "How to...", "Why do..." or "Where is..." and laughing hysterically, all alone in my room, about the fact that Google tries to tell me how to take my dog camping.
Something dangerous has happened to my brain. It's either the water or the perpetual flow of one pound lager. Possibly both.
Anyway, enough of these surrealist apologetics! On to the matter at hand:
Jupiter is a planet. Please tell me you already knew that. Let's assume you did, and move forward with this whole making assumptions business by also deciding that you probably know that it's the biggest planet in the solar system. Yes, Jupiter is the solar system's fat friend. Come on, every group has one.
But gracefully leaping off the boat of general knowledge into the dark and turbid waters of random, internet-generated information, here are some other things you should know about Jupiter:
It is actually shaped not like a sphere, but oblate spheroid, which means that not only is it fat, it's lumpy. And how fat IS Jupiter exactly? Its mass is 2.5 times greater than the all of the other planets in the solar system combined. To give you an idea of this on a smaller scale, if Jupiter was a person every aspect of its wardrobe would contain elastic, and labels with a number of L's that even a fluent Welsh speaker would find intimidating.It's a bigass planet.
Perhaps because of all the fat jokes made about it by the other planets, Jupiter has a hard, rocky core. And severe self-esteem issues.
Jupiter and I also have something in common (apart from the severe self-esteem issues, and hard, rocky core). We both have a large, red spot. Mine is on the back of my head--cleverly hidden by what I may flatter myself by calling a singular and spectacular haircut-- while Jupiter's is located 22 degrees south of the planet's equator. Also, Jupiter's spot is an anticyclonic storm and larger than the earth, so I guess actually they're not that similar, when you think about it. While I can only be reasonably sure that my spot is in fact a birthmark, and not a large-scale circulation of winds around a central region of high atmospheric pressure, I can be completely sure that it is not larger than earth.
Point is, Jupiter has a spot, and it's red.
Know what else is circular and red? No, not clown noses. Don't be a dick. Besides, those are spheres. Focus.
A target. A target is circular and red AND TWO DIMENSIONAL SO IT IS IN FACT A CIRCLE. Okay, several circles. You know what, never mind. Jasper Johns painted a lot of works based on targets, targets look like the red spot on Jupiter, end of story.
In a slightly related but fascinating side note, I had no idea who Jasper Johns was until I "researched" him for this. And by researched I mean googled. Point is, my confidence in my artist knowledge has been taken down a peg. Well played, blog, well played.
Ocelots to Organic Farming.
22 January 2011
16 January 2011
Privateers to Pond Life
When you Google Image the word privateer, you get lots of pictures of 17th century boats. Of course you do, that's what they are: private warships that were authorized by a government to attack foreign ships. Like pirates! Only they had to report back to their country for assignments and money and such. And they weren't allowed to sink other ships, only capture them. And none of them were ever commanded by Johnny Depp. So not like pirates at all, really.
Anyway, what's weird is that equally spread out through all these pictures of big boats on Google Images are what appear to be screenshots of some futuristic space video game. Specifically, they look like giant star wars-like spaceships shooting at things while purple laser beams shoot out their rear ends. Also scattered among these pictures of Hornblower-era naval ships are pictures of WWII-era combat airplanes.
This odd collection of images leads me to believe that if you had no clue what a privateer was and you went on Google Images to get some kind of vague definition of the word, you'd probably believe that a privateer is something that flies or floats and shoots at other things during battles. In that vein, the word privateer could also refer to things like submarines, Spiderman, and dragons.
I don't know about you, but I was kind of disappointed when I first learned that dragonflies weren't little fly-sized dragons. Wouldn't that be neat? I mean, you'd be sitting beside your little pond, hangin with all your little freshwater tadpoles and newts and snapping turtles, then WHAM! all of a sudden you're smacked in the arm by a teeny little FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON. As it lays there on the ground for a minute, struggling to pick itself up after its nose-dive into your upper arm, you quickly take out your little bug-gathering jar that you always carry with you, stick some twigs in it (after all, you have to make the jar at least a little cozy for the poor guy), and gently coax the petite beast inside. Then you take it home and show off to your friends that you just caught, yeah, AN ACTUAL DRAGON!! Come on now, doesn't that just sound great?! "What did you do today, Billy?" "Oh, you know, just went down to the pond and caught a ferocious mythical beast with my bare hands. You know, no big deal or anything."
But alas, in reality pond life isn't all that exciting. Nope, all you have there these days are dumb little tadpoles and newts and snapping turtles and tall grasses. Oh yeah, and mosquitos and worms. Otherwise known as things that squirm through dirt or give you malaria. Much too lame for me. I'll take things that BREATHE FIRE AND GUARD PRINCESSES, thanks very much. If only pond life was as exciting in real life as it is in my totally awesome imagination.
Jupiter to Jasper Johns
Anyway, what's weird is that equally spread out through all these pictures of big boats on Google Images are what appear to be screenshots of some futuristic space video game. Specifically, they look like giant star wars-like spaceships shooting at things while purple laser beams shoot out their rear ends. Also scattered among these pictures of Hornblower-era naval ships are pictures of WWII-era combat airplanes.
This odd collection of images leads me to believe that if you had no clue what a privateer was and you went on Google Images to get some kind of vague definition of the word, you'd probably believe that a privateer is something that flies or floats and shoots at other things during battles. In that vein, the word privateer could also refer to things like submarines, Spiderman, and dragons.
I don't know about you, but I was kind of disappointed when I first learned that dragonflies weren't little fly-sized dragons. Wouldn't that be neat? I mean, you'd be sitting beside your little pond, hangin with all your little freshwater tadpoles and newts and snapping turtles, then WHAM! all of a sudden you're smacked in the arm by a teeny little FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON. As it lays there on the ground for a minute, struggling to pick itself up after its nose-dive into your upper arm, you quickly take out your little bug-gathering jar that you always carry with you, stick some twigs in it (after all, you have to make the jar at least a little cozy for the poor guy), and gently coax the petite beast inside. Then you take it home and show off to your friends that you just caught, yeah, AN ACTUAL DRAGON!! Come on now, doesn't that just sound great?! "What did you do today, Billy?" "Oh, you know, just went down to the pond and caught a ferocious mythical beast with my bare hands. You know, no big deal or anything."
But alas, in reality pond life isn't all that exciting. Nope, all you have there these days are dumb little tadpoles and newts and snapping turtles and tall grasses. Oh yeah, and mosquitos and worms. Otherwise known as things that squirm through dirt or give you malaria. Much too lame for me. I'll take things that BREATHE FIRE AND GUARD PRINCESSES, thanks very much. If only pond life was as exciting in real life as it is in my totally awesome imagination.
Jupiter to Jasper Johns
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