Elmo to Elevator Music

Let me start by saying that Elmo, conceptually, kind of freaks me out. When I was little, I just sort of assumed that he was a four year-old child with werewolf syndrome and ADD. As I got older, I realized he was a muppet (like many people I thought I knew as a child) and that really should have been the end of it. But no, my mind had to go on to point out to me that Elmo is an old muppet. He is certainly not four, because he'd been around since like '73 when I was four and he's still the same age despite the fact that I'm 21. Elmo is not just a muppet, he's a vampire muppet. Even ignoring the fact that Elmo is apparently immortal, there's the ADD thing. He's not just ADD, he's just freaking the fuck out, running up to small children and pestering them with questions and then asking them to hug him. That's actually pretty creepy. And why is he doing this? Well, he lives in a back alley in a neighborhood which- in spite of being populated by large, cheery animal puppets- is a little skeevy. If you take a good look a Sesame Street it really looks like certain unfortunate parts of Holyoke. One is force to assume, then, that Elmo has gained this inordinate amount of energy and twitchiness from some sort of illicit substance. This also explains why the main toy in the likeness of Elmo screams and shakes when you touch it. Elmo's a tweaker. So I look at this and think to myself, well, Elmo's tweaking, Cookie Monster has some serious munchies, Oscar the Grouch is just one perpetual freakout and Big Bird is certainly hitting the ganja in this back alley of puppetry. Who exactly did I learn to spell from? And then there's the count who LIVES ON HUMAN BLOOD- and is, admittedly, the coolest Sesame Street Character-so none of my early education is safe!
Then of course we move on to the muppet show. We've both worked in the industry, we know what's going on behind the scenes at the muppet show!
Anyway, that's not the point. Point is, Elmo is one bouncy sumbitch. Like he's all over the place. Elmo probably needs some serious downers at this point. Morphine-grade downers. Downers make you calm, you see. Elevator music is meant to make you feel calm, but honestly nothing in the world will make me feel calm in a tiny steel box being hauled up and down through the metal digestive tract of a building, least of all The Girl from Ipanema.

Tigers to Tidal Waves.