Hammocks to Henry VIII

Today I am taking a break from writing my (face-meltingly horrible) final papers and writing a blog entry instead. I apologize for how long this took. You see, my face melted, and I had to convince it to go back into a solid form before I could write anything. I don't know how many of you have had to talk to your face while it's not attached to you and also a liquid, but it is not a pleasant experience. You look at it there, on the floor, in its tupperware, and a it stares defiantly back at you, just daring you to try and reattach it.
But, yet again, I digress. Meanwhile, back at the ranch:
Hammocks to Henry VIII
Hammocks come in many different varieties. Or at least they come in two, one being the weird, net-ish kind that makes you feel a little bit like you're cast in the worst possible role on an episode of Deadliest Catch, and the big canvas ones that you can use to role someone up into a tenuously suspended human burrito. The second ones are significantly more awesome, firstly because of the human burrito aspect, but secondly because there's less of a chance that stuff you put in them is going to fall out, or that your foot is going to become trapped in a gap in the woven net and you won't be able to free it and you're going to die out here and you never should have hung this up somewhere so secluded because it seemed relaxing at the time but now NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM OH GOD.
I have feelings about woven hammocks.
But anyway, the canvas burrito kind are better. Do you know the logical, human, non-paranoid reason that they're better? Two words: More material.
You know what else more material makes better? Codpieces. Nobody would ever want to see a mesh codpiece. Although this is the internet, so... based on personal opinion alone, a fully-fabriced codpiece is a better codpiece.
And who loved codpieces? (and shoulder pads, and male heirs?) Henry VIII. You just see if you can find a picture of that man without a cape and an aggressively visible genital protector. Many of them are bejeweled. The codpieces, not the pictures.
And just for the sake of making this entry circular, you could, theoretically, say that a codpiece is in fact an early iteration of the banana hammock.
I'm going to go ahead and let you try to unread that for the rest of the day.

Privateers to Pond life.